By K. C. Narang, Chartered Accountant
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‘Forgiveness is something you do for yourself’. George Kohlrieser
To practise ‘forgiveness’ one must understand ‘hurt’— hurt is the result of some act which is against our expectations and/or represents unfulfilled expectations. Both these not only result in hurt but also cause misery. The issue is: what is forgiveness and what does it do? ‘Forgiveness’ puts an end to the inner struggle that rages within, and teaches us to face life with tolerance, understanding and equanimity’. ‘Forgiveness’ is the task of transcending concepts of justice and fairness’. ‘Forgiveness’ is an attitude of compassion and understanding with which we choose to react to the world.’
Forgiveness is a gift we choose to give ourselves. Forgiveness is a choice—a choice when exercised puts our mind and heart at rest—but higher than forgiveness is to forget the instance that caused the hurt. The issue is, can we accept what has happened? Can we consider it a bad dream and like all bad dreams, forget about it? It is rightly said that it is easier to forgive but difficult to forget. Combine the two to make forgiveness complete. This is difficult—nay, very difficult—but possible. Once one can forget the hurt—forgiveness becomes easy. ‘Forgiving and forgetting’ when practiced together heal both the mind and the matter (body). David Schwerin says:
‘By forgiving people who have done us wrong, We can give ourselves the greatest gift’.
To the above quote I would like to add that it is also a gift to those who have hurt us and in case we can forget the hurt, then it would be the finest gift to ourselves.
We are living in a ‘me decade’ and in this decade, hurt is easy and forgiveness is forgotten. This is evident from recent research in the USA which brings out:
• The capacity to feel for others has dropped by 48%.
• Ability to see other’s point of view has declined by 34%. These are figures as compared to 1979. Hence, to practice forgiveness we now need to:
• Move from ‘self-justification’ to ‘self-control and selfdiscipline’.
• To be fair, honest, truthful and objective—being objective means being non-emotional—develop warmth for others and treat them with dignity and refrain from making callous comments.
We have discussed about ‘forgiving’. I believe we should also be aware of seeking ‘forgiveness’. There is no human being who can say that he has never hurt anyone—even Krishna hurt Gandhari who held him responsible for the Mahabharata and had to suffer her curse. Hence, let us also develop the art of seeking forgiveness of those whom we may have hurt by thought, word or deed. I believe seeking forgiveness is as relevant as ‘forgiving’.
However, according to Swami Shivananda, we can seek forgiveness only when we ‘eradicate self-justification’— we all indulge in ‘self-justification’ all the time. It requires courage to overcome the ego that tells us that we can do no wrong and that our hurt is the result of a fault of others. Hence, let us become aware of this malice. True happiness lies in both forgiving and seeking forgiveness.
To practice ‘forgiveness’ we must know what ‘forgiveness’ results in. In my perception, forgiveness:
• Reduces tension, guilt, anger and suffering.
• Frees us from the burden of expectations and feelings of grudge.
• Transcends our concepts of fairness.
• Makes us humane.
• Liberates us from being ‘constrained’ and sets us free.
• Removes our desire for revenge and retribution , and above all
• Restores relationships. It has been rightly said: ‘Forgiveness is the precious lubricant which keeps all relationships smooth and friction free’.
Let us remember that forgiveness is not running away from facts and feelings. It requires courage to overcome our ego—our hurt and unfulfilled expectations. Mahatma Gandhi said:
‘The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong’.
I also believe that a true and sincere apology is not defeat but victory over a bad situation. It is not humiliation but it exhibits humility and maturity to accept responsibility for our actions and exhibits our care for other’s feelings and value for relationship. I repeat it takes courage to apologise and seek forgiveness. Believe it is very difficult to say ‘Mujhe Maaf Kar Do’.
In conclusion, I quote George Shim: ‘We get what we give. If we give hatred, we receive hatred; if we give love, we receive love’.
And this is what St. Francis of Assisi propagates: ‘It is in pardoning that we are pardoned’.
